depression.

sigh.....in all the years it has been my friend and foe im in it right now but for what exactly i dont know im so very alone right now i think thats it but who actually knows but god.thw "what ifs" are coming back what if she doesnt like me etc etc i dont know how or why life is like this it just is i think thats all i can type right now sigh...

another day

been a long time since i did this....well ive been busy anyway.nothing much changed really except that im not hated anymore i have good friends and...yeah nothing much i guess but of course the usual depression of life still there...2 weeks ago on friday i went 2 a river with family friends 5 of us were in the middle of the river when all of a sudden a flash-flood came out of nowhere....thats all you need too know cause im too lazy to go into detail we all lived most traumatized all almost died some more at risk than others.I dont care.I still wish 2 die ive got nothing too live for.At monday(yesterday) i went out with friends for brunch at decanter (yes the one next to skbd) all of us were chatting and eating i was facing the outside of the restaurant then guess what. a car that looks like hers came along and dropped her off... well you can guess what happened next she went to the store next door while i got a panic attack.well it wasnt a waste the day we went to the park next to it and well....jumped around then i went to the club (rsc) then home. idk im not into life.sigh....

the point of nothing

sad when one losses the point

sad when one asks whats the point

sad when the point of crumbling becomes clear

sad when one reaches that point

sad when one dies and nobody knows

sad when that one person dies and change

sad when one reaches the point

sad when that point is of no return

sad when one chooses to stay

sad when that person wants to go back...

whats the point? the point of what?

the point of living when love brings you sadness

the point of trust when they will stab the backs of people

the point of helping when one could stop it

the point of guilt since one did not do it

the point of sorrow when ones friends suffers not one

the point of love since one hate

the point of hate when one loves...

death loves life?

death loves life he embraces it

death loves life for it can comfort it

death loves life since without life death dies

death loves life since he give it gives

death love life since life give him suspense

death hates life?

death hates life since death destroys it

death hates life since he hunts it relentlessly

death hates life since we cling to her

death hates life since life spits at death

death hates life since life...needs death

the point is sharp

the point is blunt

she took my heart

she tore it out

she pierced it with the point

she violently stabbed it

she left the point in there

she couldnt pierce my heart

she pushed the point in

she continues to stab...

heres the end...the end of sanity the end of insanity the end of the riddle the end of the poem the end of life the holiday for death...here is the end of all

now i remember something to write

ok its been awile in the "i love her but can never be with her" chronicles the latest 1 is not much better it happened quite awile ago it was a friday if im not mistaken.2 of my friends were telling me bout the guys they had a crush on(2 different crush) and suddenly i felt tired idk why so i put my head down on the table and think about stuff which made people think i was sleeping it was hard 2 smile....then came time 2 go home and i did but i felt so so so tired like i haven't slept for months.the next 2 days i slept early and woke up at 10 and on monday i still felt tired for some reason,but i told myself to (basically) deal with it but didnt help much.i kept smiling and pretending 2 be happy but deep down i was losing my mind i was on the verge of insanity more than i usually am and i didnt know why?i couldnt march properly it was just to tiring....i got home and slept instantly.the next day i went to saringan and saw her there of course i mean it wouldnt be another day if i didnt see her would it.i couldn't run properly and tripped on my shoes and felt exhausted but yeah i finished the day.back at school i hung out at the canteen with sam and all then at the dewan i slept and when i woke up i decided i could in no way go for marching so,i talked to may pearl and jazlan at the front of school where i normally set down my bag it was fun seeing my hard work pay off all that time figuring ways for their probs but in the end they learned to do it themselves.i was smiling at them and they ask whats up and i told them i was enjoying my handy work "like a sculpter appreciating his master piece after spending countless hours shaping it" and they took little offense i lost my mind again and started mumbling to myself while talking to them they asked if i was ok but i didnt know if i was may pearl asked me a question i cant really remember what but i remembered that i spent a very very long time on a simple questions which brought tears to my eyes but it was easily covered with a yawn. the marchers marched to the front to much of my dismay and because of that they spotted me and i was forced to march luckily firdaus had a hat i took it from him with a (fake)smile and pulled it low over my head and while they were commanding......i broke down with a single tear down my cheek but nobody noticed thank god then after 3 minutes of marching we got break i sat down facing the hill hani asked me if i was ok and i said i was fine then i sat down faced the hill and silently wept i couldn't take it.....i then slowly and unsteadily walked to the marching area where we practiced our formation.everybody seemed to notice the difference in my air but decided to leave it be.i was grateful...then,she looked at me with a worried and curious look i think she was wondering what happened.its still clear in my mind now as i taip this.....that look.....ironically,the reason for it was her then something interesting happened i sat down and told firdaus i wanted to skip raptai the next day but he explained ill get kicked out.so sorrow misery and depression was instantly replaced by rage.....skipping a day brings us to sports day. nothing happened i saw her the whole time sure but....hey i was fine i was helping out pbsm since everybody dies after 400m and somebody was blocking the face of somebody i walked up and asked "are you ok"."are" came out fine but "you ok" came out a whisper...it was her.she saw me,we made eye contact and she nodded and said yeah....for some unknown reason she heard me i whispered it and she heard me....i basicly tore myself apart since i hvnt spoken to her for a year and now i did i didnt want to....i wanted to let go....anyway something happened after that but i think its just my vaniety.......why.....

umm,,,,,,,,yeah

umm.........im bored so......yeah today was like archery day 1 all the people were being briefed bout archery and so on nothing much happened we(the older people) than cleaned the archery store which was full of dust and rust *scary music plays and crowd gasps*yes it was like that,very scary aint it it was almost as bad as ahh...........idk anyway then we left me shira dira and brynna walked to the end of the road where we went our separate ways and i temaned brynna home yess all the way up the hill then i went down and when i reached school my dad was waiting for me my leg kinda hurts and so on im bored so.....yeah

BTW

did you finally found my blog sara?

nothing

well lifes been dull these past few days got nothing to write about and blah blah blah